oh, god, it’s raining. why does it always has to start with a pouring sky? i sound so cheesy when i say it feels like it’s raining inside too…

dear friend,

i must confess, the view from where i sit has been rather grey lately… there are so many shades of dark filling up my head and my mind, too many memories floating around, too many painfully blue hours, too many possibilities, too many failures, too much solitude, and the 20th getting closer and closer, building up the frustration of another year without the warmth of your presence. and i didn’t even knew you that well, my dear, but we were soulmates, somehow. i found and lost myself by your side, we ached and laughed together, you listened, i cared. thinking about those moments, now long gone, i have come to realize that our friendship lasted just what it was supposed to, enough to let us help each other through the devastatingly bitter nights we had to endure. you were the only one that could have helped me back then, as you knew me better than i knew myself, and for that i am forever grateful. i wish it had not ended the way it did, how i wish i had changed your way that day… everything would be so different. maybe it has been so difficult ever since because i wasn’t prepared to feel the way i did, so violently destroyed. i wasn’t given any lessons on how to outgrow that kind of feeling. 9 years later, it’s still a mistery to me, i still don’t know how to let go. i don’t think i’ll ever do. you changed me. your death changed me. everytime i write about you it gets a little bit harder, yet it feels like it’s all i can ever do, talk about how losing you moved me. you took away a huge part of my heart, so please take good care of it. i miss you.

love,

nina